Maybe next time..

Fuck my minds messed up. I really just want to kill myself. I dont see a point in living when people can just stop loving you and stop caring about you at the drop of the hat, where they just give up on you. What's the point? That slim chance at happiness just isnt worth it. So right now Im just waiting...till Im 21 and can buy a handgun and shoot myself in the head while I stare at a beautiful scene...maybe the sunset on the beach, maybe a nice wooded area next to a lake or a creek... I cant even tell anyone this. Id get sent to a mad house. No One would understand why I feel this way or how my husband leaving me for almost zero reason would mess me up to the verge of suicide. I just dont know what to do...telling myself to wait till Im 21 is the only reason Im alive now...If I had a gun... I almost did it at the range in the Army when we were practicing with handguns, but then I thought I had reason to live seeing as I had my husband....

I know that was a bit dark so...I'll just do with all my real emotions and shut them up behind a door and lock it shut and only let it out when I'm alone in the middle of the night. Ugh. I feel like shit. Mentally, physically, metaphorically, literally. I ate over a thousand calories yesterday(even after i puked up that sandwich)  Im just addicted to food and it sucks. Maybe I need some of those pills that make you feel full that will help a lot getting me on track... I need to start slow...

Todays been alright so far, I got called into work on my day off -.- but thats some extra money in my pocket cause the last couple days of work I haven't sold anything, so I kind of jumped at the chance to work a more popular store. I only ate a peach today(60cal) and a Grande Americano from Starbucks(so 5cal) Its just the rest of the day Im worried about. Gonna stay hydrated and try and flush my shitty feelings away with tea and water.

If youve read this whole thing...Thank you <3 I have no one to talk to right now and it means the world that you took the time to listen to me.

<33 Adrienne