104.0Lbs!!!

Guess who just weighed herself at 104.0lbs? Meee!!! Im so happy that Im just one pound away from reaching my goal weight!

I had my 5hr course for driving yesterday which meant I had an excuse not to eat lunch! When that was over my mom picked me up and we went and did some driving practice until it was dinner. We went and picked up some sushi and dumplings for dinner. I only ate 1roll or sushi, and a few fried pork dumplings. Yum they were so delicious!

Todays been great so far, I had some Chicken Tika Masala and Rice for breakfast. Im hoping that my mom and I will go up to Woodstock later maybe grab some coffee and pick up her artwork from a gallery. Its going to be a beautiful day so Im super pumped!

Im in such a good mood! I figured out something, my ADHD medication keeps me calm. Every night I go crazy somehow. I get really upset sometimes, not bipolar but I think a lot less clearly and logically when my meds wear off. I mean I already knew that, what I figured out was, If I take half my meds in the AM then about halfway through the day I take the other half Ill be calm all day and wont freak out at night. Ill be able to control my appetite 24/7 and Ill be a lot more pleasant!

Think thin!!
Thank you for all your kind words about my artwork :]

Shamrock Shake!!

I only ate 1/2 a small shamrock shake today. That was it. That and some Arizona iced teas to keep me going :]. I almost ruined it tonight when I went to work with Chess, he was going to order me some of the highest calorie foods for dinner (hes a chinese food delivery boy so he gets a great discount) and I just kept telling him no, I dont want food!! He finally caved and didnt buy me food. I feel terrible though. It might be caffeine withdrawal...got I hope it is. I dont like being depressed.

I had gym today and did some fucking intense workouts on my abs. They will probably be sore tomorrow :] Ah its a good day when everything is sore!

GET THIS lol I asked my friend to purchase me marb. reds(cigarettes) and a green lighter. She returns with regular reds(I smoke 100's which are long) and a fucking crack lighter.Gah I was fuming.

Wow! thanks for all your nice words on my art :] it really means alot to me! Alice in Waterland is my concentration for AP art. Its done in Watercolors and ink. <33

sorry for the short post!! <33 thin dreams

Meat Pie

When I was little I lived in Australia. One of my favorite memories was eating meat pies. Its exactly what it sounds like. Theyre meat with spices etc. in a pie crust and its the tastiest thing ever. The way that I always got it was with mashed potatoes on top. Damn it was good. I ended up eating 3pretty small pieces for dinner and some mac and cheese.

Finally after a long 3 days I got back to gym and had a good long workout. I asked Chess for some weights(I had given him some free weights last year) just 15 pounds to do some exercise at home. I really want to get back into gym and work on my legs and ass more.

Guess who made $60 on her first piece of art work sold? I made This. Obviously Im going to blow all my money on cigarettes and weed ;] not on food!

Thin Dreams <33

Much Better!

I wish I had a stomach like that >.<

Today was so much better then yesterday :] I barley ate today! And I finally got an internship for senior year! At my school we have to do a 45hr internship inorder to graduate. Im doing it with one of my friends moms whos an art teacher. Shes super nice so this will be super easy for me. So no more stressing over that!

No gym today :[ so no workout today. Ugh. I cant wait till tomorrow. My parents will both be out of the house for the first time in forever! I think tomorrow I might play wii fit until they come home, I could really use that extra exercise. I mean couldnt we all though? lol I need to work off those cookies. Im drinking a ton of water tonight in the hopes of peeing alot of weight off ;]

Today was pretty good so far.
1bottle Arizona Iced tea
1chicken sandwich
1/4cup mac and cheese
water

Thats it. compared to my binge weekend thats amazing!

Over the Lips and Through the Gums..

Watch out stomach, cause nothing comes ;]

Driving lesson today was alot of fun, I drove all around my county and even learned to parallel park! And you know what I didnt do the entire time? Eat. Havent eaten anything so far today. Although I did have a victory can of Arizona Green Tea for not crashing the car! Im not sure whats for dinner just yet. My mom went shopping today and got me lots of Iced Tea and Diet Pepsi.Except while she was out she also picked up a box of the most dreadful, vile, calorie filled, sugary things ever. She got me a box...of Girl Scout Somoas.  I already ate one. But thats my limit. One a day. The serving size is 2cookies at 140 calories. That means one is 70calories. So one a day is safe.

So whats weed like? hmmm...its hard to describe really....Its a little different for everyone...Physically, you calm down, eyelids are a little heavy, and you just want to sit there and enjoy the fun thats happening in your head. Your mind will wander to places you couldnt imagine, not bad places(usually) but fun, happy, places, where you figure out the meaning of life and yourself and you giggle the entire way through. Everything feels awesome. Everything sounds awesome. Everything tastes awesome. Everything is awesome. lol I love weed. Smoking dosent bother me, I dont plan on smoking cigarettes for the rest of my life. I think this is just a teenage thing. Hopefully weed isnt just a teenage thing for me though, its a real good thing.

Workout Motherfucker

Today. Today. Today was pretty damn good. Once again, cigarettes, weed, driving. It was so nice to drive around with my best friend, windows down, weather warm, cigarette lit. Nothing like it and I cant wait till the summer when I can do that everyday!

So I wasnt as sore today as I was yesterday, I actually felt pretty good. I had gym again today and I spent a good hour lifting weights. I worked on my abs and my legs. Ive spent my night so far working on my abs and total today Ive done easily 100situps. Im going to keep working out as soon as my parents go to sleep.I needed something to watch that both inspired and entertained me, so I turned on The Biggest Looser and started watching while I work out. If youve never watched go on over to Hulu and check it out. Its always fun to watch fat people

Its going to be really tough to fall asleep tonight cause I'm basically out of weed :/ But I'm hoping that if I don't smoke I wont get the munchies. I found out today I weigh 107.0Lbs I'm hoping some of that is water weight cause Ive just been chugging liquids all day.Vitamin water, Arizona Green Tea, Water, and homemade Iced tea. Unfortunately I had to eat dinner. 2 small sausages, small salad, and 1stuffed shell. I really wish I hadn't ruined my day that way.

is anyone else fucking scared about the earthquake/tsunami in Japan, not so much the actual tsunami but the nuclear power plant? It will be worse then Chernobyl.

Everything. Everything Is Sore.

To much weight lifting. I strained my legs. I cant walk down stairs without immense pain. Or lift my arms without horrible pain. Or walk. Fuck. There arent enough pain relives in my house. Fuck.

I didnt eat much today. Grapefruit, 1/2 coffee, chicken, rice, onions, spinach, and an arizona iced tea. Oh and a lollipop. Im probably going to grab a snack later. Im so out of energy! OH what am I saying I had a great fucking day. Chess drove me home! It was so nice to be in the car with him again. but I know he doesnt want to date me again. Im going to keep talking to him though, it makes me happy...sortof :/ ugh. Such a bad mood.

I went to only 4classes today, theres 9 periods in my school day. Every other period my friend and I were driving around smoking weed and cigarettes and having a fucking good time. I really should be studing for math.

Im sorry my post are lame :/ or have been latley. I just really dont have any energy and Im pretty depressed. you guys will be the first to know when I feel better. 

No Diet Pepsi, No Cigarettes, Thank God I Have Weed

 Today is Fat Tuesday BTW!

I had a total meltdown yesterday, I almost gorged myself but then managed not to go overboard. :[ Im ashamed of myself though. I let my parents get me so emotional I cut myself. Ugh. It hurts. Its been years since I last cut/burnt myself. Damn.

Im out of diet Pepsi D: I ended up having 2sips of regular Coke, that stuff is so damn sweet and thick like syrup it just makes me sick. Had one cigarette today, Im trying to cut down before I turn 18, because as soon as that happens Ill be smoking a pack a day. And either will have kicked the habit by then(doubt that though) or I will have cut down to one a day and my lungs wont be so filled with phlegm(ew) I also ate a cup of grape fruit, 1/2 meatloaf sandwich and 3 homemade stuffed shells. That seems like so much. EW.

They dont care about us II

My parents dont care about me or Gram. They dont love us. They just care how much we cost. Thats all they are concerned about. They have such conditional love that it kills me. They only love me when my room is clean. When I have good grades. When Im the daughter they can put on display. They are willy loman(failures) and if they loved me they wouldn't tell me Im a fuck up. Thee would know that yelling at me, telling me Im stupid, not getting into college, calling me a fuck up, scaring me, yelling at me wont work. If anything that will make me feel terrible about myself, and really not make me want to work. It will actually make me suicidal. and to top it all off I im sitting here bawling my eyes out trying to get the point across to you. Oh and I ruined a 4 year period in which I didn't intentionally cut myself. no I have "if they cared" carved into my leg. they arent even mad at me over something vital. theyre mad at me because Im doing badly in government class.

I cant finish this post im sorry

Ants. I fucking hate ants.

I hate them so much. Now that its warming up they are invading my house. They are so gross. ewewewew.

Any way I had my first driving lesson today and it was actually alot of fun. I cant turn very well, but it really was my first time. After my lesson I still had to wait a half hour for my mom to pick me up. She told me "Im going to be there late, go get some pizza or a cup of coffee." I did neither of these things. I spent that half hour walking around the small town. I must've walked it 3 times. I wish I had my pedometer on >.< After that I went home and spent the day watching tv. My mom made dinner tonight. Stuffed shells, of which I only had 3. Then  I ate half this ghastly whipped chocolate and cookies thing my mom made. It was covered in some sort of alcohol, god I felt sick the entire time I ate it. Bleh.

Otherwise I drink diet pepsi :] good day

Did I even eat today?

Im just lost. I dont know what to do really. I have no idea what to do about Chess, my weight, school, internships, getting a job, learning to drive, government class, or life. I dont want to do life anymore. I dont want the days to change anymore.

I didnt eat today. Not one bite of food. However, I did drink a Arizona Iced Tea. I need some water. Im going to hopefully not binge tonight, like Ive been doing every night. For the past 2 days. Or at least thats what it feels like.

I have no energy. My head hurts. Im tired. Im depressed as hell. I should be happier that I havent eaten today. No Im just sad. I just want Chess. But he doesn't seem to want me. But Im not sure. If I admit to him that I never wanted to break up with him and it was a mistake he might be more willing to take me back. God, I didnt want to cry. Today sucks. 

How would I look blonde?

Im thinking about dyeing my hair blond when I turn 18. As a birthday present. Im also going to get my belly button pierced while Im in NC(without my parents knowledge of course!) Thats why its imperative I reach my goal of 102.0 and have great abs/ass. I dont want to go down to a beach town during spring break and be the only one in a one piece bathing suit. I cant help but associate 1piece bathing suits with being fat. I only ever wore them when I was really really chubby. I want to go down to North Carolina looking like I just stepped out of a magazine cover. I will not take anything less then perfect. Now if only I could stop eating like I did today >.<

Yesterday my mother came home with 4boxes of Kraft Mac and cheese. When I got home today I decided I was going to eat one. Ugh. I didnt really want it. And I knew I shouldnt be eating it, but what do I do? before I knew it the whole pot was gone. Now Im drinking a regular Coke. Kill me. Just kill me. Someone offered me cookies at school. And holy god why did I eat them. Now my parents are coming home with a pizza.

Im going to tell them that I ate mac and cheese and that Im just too full. I tried the 4minute workout that Meg posted on her blog. Holy shit I did not expect that. Honestly I didnt even finish it. I havent even pretended to work out in forever. We are going to start going to the weight room in gym soon. I plan on getting a perfect ass there. I need to start wearing my Reebok easy tones more often. They wont do much for me if I dont wear them! Then again, they wont do much for me if I don't walk much either.

My moms in the middle of getting her lazer eye sugery whatever done. Shes going to have 20/20 vision. Gonna be a good time when she gets home. Im going to walk in place for an hour. Ill keep adding to this then!! <3

I Will Get There. I Will Be A Swimsuit Model 

Well Jesus Fucking Christ on a Coke Binge

Its fun to say. And I dont even know what kindof day I had. Lets review shall we?
I woke up at 6 for school, and my window was still open from last night so my room was freezing. After I got out of the shower my stomach started to hurt me immensely. Immediately I took 3Tylenol and some sort of stomach pill, and of course my daily 72mgConcerta for adhd. By the time I got to school I was ready to pass out. And I did! In math twice I blinked then my head was on the table asleep. Im guessing I took to many tylenol because it was a similar reaction to past endeavors into hydrocodone, and Vicodin. Not only that but I was a little bit high so the first 4periods of my day did not go well. Unexpectedly my day got better, I started painting a second stool in art class, Izzabitch didnt bother me, we had a sub, Government class didnt totally suck, and options class was fun :]

Did I mention any food in this? anywhere? No you say? well thats because the only thing that Ive eaten today was 1diet Pepsi. Im totally proud of myself. I think were having pork chops for dinner. Eh. Gross. I hate pork chops. Most likely Ill only be able to get away with eating 1, any less and my parents would be angry.

YOOO MOMMA GOT ME 3ARIZONA ICED TEAS YUM

Diet Pepsi
Curry+rice
1/bagel
1 Arizona

alright I just ate dinner. Oy. I feel so full and gross. I hate this feeling. All I want is for my stomach to work faster so I will stop feeling so full then Ill be able to do crunches till I puke. <33 I love reading your blogs

I Deserve All This Pain

Last night was the first night in awhile that Ive gotten blazed. The munchies hit me like a fucking train. I opened an Arnold Palmer Iced tea, and then went downstairs and fried a Quesadilla, it was gooey and cheesy and hot and crunchy and oh so fucking delicious. I felt like a failure after I ate it. When I woke up in the morning I decided that a good breakfast would be another Quesadilla. I have no idea why I told my dad to cook me one, but before I knew it I was chewing on another disgusting, greasy, chicken and cheese filled thing. Theyre about 700 calories each, and I drank half my Iced Tea.


Heres where my day just turn to shit. All day my stomach has been killing me. Just killing me. You know when your stomach hurts so bad, youre doubled over, all the energy is taken out of you, and that pain radiates all the way to your mouth? That was me all day. Every now and then my stomach would make an epic grumble immediately hurdling me into a world of pain. I wanted to cry. Somehow, despite all the pain I was in, I still managed to walk around school, to the deli and back twice, and seem perfectly fine almost the entire time. But believe me, it was tough. But honestly I learned my lesson. I deserved all the pain I was in for eating those damn Quesadillas.

Chess and I were supposed to go out for a sandwich today, but he had a tire blow out while he was driving. I would've loved to spend time with him, but he was stranded at a car shop. I would have picked him up but I dont drive. My parents are making me start a driving course this week so I guess Im going to learn to drive >.<

I think there is going to be ribs slathered in bbq sauce and egg noodles for dinner. Ugh. I feel sick enough and I already exceeded the 800 calorie mark today. I wish I could just go to sleep now rather then stay up till 1 again like I did last night. Im sad, but I hope reading your wonderful blogs will cheer me up.

Thin dreams <3