hello again

I broke up with chess. a couple of weeks ago. It was a mistake I miss him with all of my heart. I really do. all his faults made him the guy i...love? i see a picture of him on facebook and my lungs burn, and the familiar pressure of tears begins to swell in my eyes. The corners of my mouth turn down into a frown, my bottom lip protruding out. my nose twitches and hurts a little. I can feel it in my chest my lungs are stinging. I blink furiously, looking up in an attempt to dam the river of tears. before the dam gives way I scroll down, close the browser all together taking deep cool breaths. Suddenly images come back I feel him...I have to stop...

I spend my days watching bad movies on netflix, to keep my mind occupied. But those moments, little 1second pauses in a movie my mind rushes back to chess. Focus. Focus. Focu. Foc. Fo. F...Movie again. So far today? Shawshank Redemption, Jaws, The Curious case of Benjamin Button, Crazies, Paranormal Activity, and the Roast of Bob Saget. More movies to come. No music, it all makes me think of...yaknow.

I was such a Bitch to him. A complete asshole. And I am so sorry for it. I wish he could read this...maybe ill send it....Maybe tomorrow when my parents leave for the afternoon Ill send him an apologie. With noone home I can cry and sheik all I want. I would give anything for him to forgive me...

I have been such a terrible girlfriend to him. I was always not good enough for him. He was too nice and sweet...maybe a little to much sometimes...But I always felt to safe and happy in his arm. The happiest moments with him were sitting on my couch under his arm, my face on his chest, and my legs over his lap. So warm. Maybe oneday Ill find the guts to send him this. God Im so sorry. I want him to know how sorry I am for ever hurting him. I made him return everything. All my notes. Pictures. Gifts. I set it all on fire. I told him that I didnt want him to have them. In reality I wanted them because they were proof that i was happy. And I didnt want to know anymore, I wanted them all gone so that there was no proof that I was so happy once. I cant delete my head though.

Im tempted to go crawling back on my knees to him, apologizing left and right. but Im so goddamn proud. That I cant. Fuck me. It wouldnt hurt so bad if he didnt mean so much to me. he means to much to me. Chess lee.