Everything. Everything Is Sore.

To much weight lifting. I strained my legs. I cant walk down stairs without immense pain. Or lift my arms without horrible pain. Or walk. Fuck. There arent enough pain relives in my house. Fuck.

I didnt eat much today. Grapefruit, 1/2 coffee, chicken, rice, onions, spinach, and an arizona iced tea. Oh and a lollipop. Im probably going to grab a snack later. Im so out of energy! OH what am I saying I had a great fucking day. Chess drove me home! It was so nice to be in the car with him again. but I know he doesnt want to date me again. Im going to keep talking to him though, it makes me happy...sortof :/ ugh. Such a bad mood.

I went to only 4classes today, theres 9 periods in my school day. Every other period my friend and I were driving around smoking weed and cigarettes and having a fucking good time. I really should be studing for math.

Im sorry my post are lame :/ or have been latley. I just really dont have any energy and Im pretty depressed. you guys will be the first to know when I feel better. 

No Diet Pepsi, No Cigarettes, Thank God I Have Weed

 Today is Fat Tuesday BTW!

I had a total meltdown yesterday, I almost gorged myself but then managed not to go overboard. :[ Im ashamed of myself though. I let my parents get me so emotional I cut myself. Ugh. It hurts. Its been years since I last cut/burnt myself. Damn.

Im out of diet Pepsi D: I ended up having 2sips of regular Coke, that stuff is so damn sweet and thick like syrup it just makes me sick. Had one cigarette today, Im trying to cut down before I turn 18, because as soon as that happens Ill be smoking a pack a day. And either will have kicked the habit by then(doubt that though) or I will have cut down to one a day and my lungs wont be so filled with phlegm(ew) I also ate a cup of grape fruit, 1/2 meatloaf sandwich and 3 homemade stuffed shells. That seems like so much. EW.

They dont care about us II

My parents dont care about me or Gram. They dont love us. They just care how much we cost. Thats all they are concerned about. They have such conditional love that it kills me. They only love me when my room is clean. When I have good grades. When Im the daughter they can put on display. They are willy loman(failures) and if they loved me they wouldn't tell me Im a fuck up. Thee would know that yelling at me, telling me Im stupid, not getting into college, calling me a fuck up, scaring me, yelling at me wont work. If anything that will make me feel terrible about myself, and really not make me want to work. It will actually make me suicidal. and to top it all off I im sitting here bawling my eyes out trying to get the point across to you. Oh and I ruined a 4 year period in which I didn't intentionally cut myself. no I have "if they cared" carved into my leg. they arent even mad at me over something vital. theyre mad at me because Im doing badly in government class.

I cant finish this post im sorry

Ants. I fucking hate ants.

I hate them so much. Now that its warming up they are invading my house. They are so gross. ewewewew.

Any way I had my first driving lesson today and it was actually alot of fun. I cant turn very well, but it really was my first time. After my lesson I still had to wait a half hour for my mom to pick me up. She told me "Im going to be there late, go get some pizza or a cup of coffee." I did neither of these things. I spent that half hour walking around the small town. I must've walked it 3 times. I wish I had my pedometer on >.< After that I went home and spent the day watching tv. My mom made dinner tonight. Stuffed shells, of which I only had 3. Then  I ate half this ghastly whipped chocolate and cookies thing my mom made. It was covered in some sort of alcohol, god I felt sick the entire time I ate it. Bleh.

Otherwise I drink diet pepsi :] good day

Did I even eat today?

Im just lost. I dont know what to do really. I have no idea what to do about Chess, my weight, school, internships, getting a job, learning to drive, government class, or life. I dont want to do life anymore. I dont want the days to change anymore.

I didnt eat today. Not one bite of food. However, I did drink a Arizona Iced Tea. I need some water. Im going to hopefully not binge tonight, like Ive been doing every night. For the past 2 days. Or at least thats what it feels like.

I have no energy. My head hurts. Im tired. Im depressed as hell. I should be happier that I havent eaten today. No Im just sad. I just want Chess. But he doesn't seem to want me. But Im not sure. If I admit to him that I never wanted to break up with him and it was a mistake he might be more willing to take me back. God, I didnt want to cry. Today sucks.