before and afterish...

Thats me before and after...Theres no real shots of my body(or any that show me being the least bit chubby)only ones of my face, and I think the obvious loss of that double chin of mine is cause for celebration ;D oh and I just realized that first picture was taken around last saint Patricks day...so 8months ago :]

My mom complained that she bough mac and cheese and I never ate it, and that I never ate anything so in order to calm her down I made myself mac&cheese and ate it all >.< boy oh boy do I feel gross. My dad is making meatballs and spaghetti for dinner. Talk about a failure of a day @_____@ I dont want to do anything either. Im all worn out. I dont want school. I dont want the holidays. I dont want my parents. I dont want food! I guess Im feeling a little crushed at the moment. *sigh*

Thanks for your support you lovely girls <3

Frosty the Snow Man

I cant wait for it to snow. Im so impatient! Looking outside and seeing every delicate branch layered pure white fluff makes me so happy. The calmness that comes with it, the silence, the way little chunks of snow to heavy for their perches fall off and cut holes into he floor below them it just does something nothing else can! I cannnt waaaiiiittt!!!

On a separate note My BROTHERS COMING HOME!! I am so excited. I love my bro, we are probably the tightest siblings ever. We are seriously best friends and I look up to him and I value his opinion. He was actually the one who got me started on loosing weight(he went to college lost alot of weight and I refused to be the big sibling and lost weight also) Me and Gram, we blaze together, talk together, and are just awesome together. The only downside to him coming home is that hes returning because hes seriously depressed and is failing classes :[ I love my bro-ski Im sure we will be awesomely happy.

Its still early but Ive had coffee so far, and Im going to go have a pot of tea, riiiight after I take my adhd medication that suppresses my appetite :D Then Shower, and then no foood :] Ill update later girls!

I am absolutely loving reading all your blogs again and spent a good portion of last night catching up on the past couple weeks <3 Stay thin!!

Every ana's most feared day

Some get stresses for Christmas, others are shaken over New years, but for me(and im sure you all can agree) Thanksgiving is one of the scariest holidays there it. Its is the only mainstream Holiday I can think of completely dedicated to food, and eating. Yes there is the family gathering aspect of it, but thats true for all holidays. The big food day is the big fear day and the big weight day. When our bellies are full to bursting, what are we do?

At my house the big turkey day always start with getting that big old bird ready for its stop in the oven. Shortly following that pies of all kinds are whipped up and thrust in next to the bird. My job has always been to toast one or two loaves of bread, slather each piece with butter and shred them into the big wooden bowl that we have had since I can remember. The food doesn't there, sweet potatoes with marshmallows on top, apple pie, chocolate tart, cranberry sauce, gravy, asparagus, butternut squash soup, 2 different stuffings, Mashed potatoes, mashed sweet potatoes, bread, and to top it all off that succulent 8lb turkey. All that and possibly more are set atop the table, miraculousness it all fits on the table with the family.

The idea of passing on something is disgraceful. Only one piece of turkey? Its a travesty. No gravy? your sick. With all the family home its nearly impossible to call on Mia to clear your distended belly. By the time the feast is over its almost too late anyway. Its a day of eating, and eat we shall, lest we go under the scrutiny of all our relatives who will no doubt chatter behind our backs at the secret to our miraculous weight, or lack there of.

Guilt soon joins the emotional get together when sweet Grandma Ruthie looks at you through her horn rimmed glasses with those sweet old weathered eyes and asks why you've failed to try her world famous pecan pie. You try and sputter "Im full" but shes already holding out a piece for you in that shaky little old grandma way, and you give in.

Thanksgiving is comparable to torture for people like us. When our daily intake consists of no more then a couple bottles of water and a small meal to avoid suspicion around the house, one day of shear gluttony drives us close to madness. so what are we to do? what are we to do?

Tea with the Queen

Sipping Tea out of a fragile green and gold tea cup, snacking on popcorn, low cal soup, and chocolate wafers is what you would have seen if you were yo look into my living room this morning. Ive eaten quite alot so far, or at least it feels that way. At least 3pots of tea have gone through me today, making me very warm, happy and in dire need of a bathroom! All last night I craved spongebob Kraft Mac&Cheese. Its nearly impossible to resist that yellow orange goo that covers the oddly shaped pasta. Rather then eat that calorie catastrophe I opted for one cup of low calorie beef stew that was to die for. Having not taken my medication yet I was still hungry and proceeded to my kitchen to cook my own popcorn, just kernels, olive oil, and salt. No butter. No problem. When I had finished about half of that I threw it to the birds to pick at. After one more round of tea, I sprinted to my computer to find dome good thinspo to paste into my food journal.

My favorite kind of thinspo is ones that have pictures and words, they just please me. I was having a hard time finding that and created a bunch of my own, mashing fonts, pictures and quotes I had my thinspo(the picture above is something I did)

Im going to have more tea, because i dont put sugar and milk in it like I do with coffee. Ill update later <3 stay skinny

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So steak for dinner, I ate half of it :/ plus sweet potatoes and spinach. Im stuffed full food and feel sick as can be. Im also tearing myself apart with jealousy because my best friend is out with Chess tonight. I know I know Im over him(?)but old habits die really hard. He is under the name 'Forget' in my phone and it makes it easier to talk to him cause as far as I can tell im just talking to someone....not my Chess. When I see my friends talk to him in school I flare with anger, he hugs another girl and im seething with jealousy. Goddamn :[ Ill attempt to figure it out...

and a new season deserves a new background <3 what do you think?

18hours of hunger, 18hours of happiness

Im proud. very, very proud. Yesterday I had off from school, had breakfast(sandwich) and then decided I wasnt gonna eat. Liquids (all diet pepsi, cept for a few other drinks) Thursday consisted of Tv, smoking, and then really awkward anime club. I was really depressed because all that M. had at anime club(its a school club that we had at his house because we had no school) all he had to drink was regular Pepsi, Mountain Dew, and Orange soda. All there was to eat was chips, so I didnt have any. Anime club is basically an excuse to watch alot of tv and movies. It was awkward because M. kept sliding his hand further, and further down my thigh...till it was in my crotch...weeeeird. Anywho I got home and my parents had already eaten pizza and didnt ask if I had eaten at all :] so I went right to bed!

When I woke up today I had a very very small cup of some amazingly tasty, and unhealthy hotchocolate (peppermint hot chocolate from William Sonoma omg its heaven) two sodas, cigarettes, 1peice of pizza, and a half sandwich. Not to bad. OH and tea. lots of tea with a lemon.

Im not sure how much I weigh. Last time I checked I was 107.0 but that was a couple weeks ago and Ive been on a sortof binge. It feels great to blog again. :D

One of my best friends always complains(worries) about her sister cause she thinks an Ideal weight is 98lbs. She (according to MH. bulimic) and when she talks about it I sit there and nod my head agree all the way, say her sister is too thin and needs help. but honestly I want to pat her sister on the back and tell her about this underground community of proanas, I want to share with her how great I feel when I dont eat for almost 2 days. But I cant :[ My friend (MH) ex-boyfriend called me Anorexic and on the outside I was like "excuse me, I am not!" on the inside I was very pleased, cause that means Im thin!

ALRIGHT GOAL TIME:::

back to 104.0lbs or less

work on my writing skills

catch up on all your lovely blogs

read more books!!