Every ana's most feared day

Some get stresses for Christmas, others are shaken over New years, but for me(and im sure you all can agree) Thanksgiving is one of the scariest holidays there it. Its is the only mainstream Holiday I can think of completely dedicated to food, and eating. Yes there is the family gathering aspect of it, but thats true for all holidays. The big food day is the big fear day and the big weight day. When our bellies are full to bursting, what are we do?

At my house the big turkey day always start with getting that big old bird ready for its stop in the oven. Shortly following that pies of all kinds are whipped up and thrust in next to the bird. My job has always been to toast one or two loaves of bread, slather each piece with butter and shred them into the big wooden bowl that we have had since I can remember. The food doesn't there, sweet potatoes with marshmallows on top, apple pie, chocolate tart, cranberry sauce, gravy, asparagus, butternut squash soup, 2 different stuffings, Mashed potatoes, mashed sweet potatoes, bread, and to top it all off that succulent 8lb turkey. All that and possibly more are set atop the table, miraculousness it all fits on the table with the family.

The idea of passing on something is disgraceful. Only one piece of turkey? Its a travesty. No gravy? your sick. With all the family home its nearly impossible to call on Mia to clear your distended belly. By the time the feast is over its almost too late anyway. Its a day of eating, and eat we shall, lest we go under the scrutiny of all our relatives who will no doubt chatter behind our backs at the secret to our miraculous weight, or lack there of.

Guilt soon joins the emotional get together when sweet Grandma Ruthie looks at you through her horn rimmed glasses with those sweet old weathered eyes and asks why you've failed to try her world famous pecan pie. You try and sputter "Im full" but shes already holding out a piece for you in that shaky little old grandma way, and you give in.

Thanksgiving is comparable to torture for people like us. When our daily intake consists of no more then a couple bottles of water and a small meal to avoid suspicion around the house, one day of shear gluttony drives us close to madness. so what are we to do? what are we to do?

Tea with the Queen

Sipping Tea out of a fragile green and gold tea cup, snacking on popcorn, low cal soup, and chocolate wafers is what you would have seen if you were yo look into my living room this morning. Ive eaten quite alot so far, or at least it feels that way. At least 3pots of tea have gone through me today, making me very warm, happy and in dire need of a bathroom! All last night I craved spongebob Kraft Mac&Cheese. Its nearly impossible to resist that yellow orange goo that covers the oddly shaped pasta. Rather then eat that calorie catastrophe I opted for one cup of low calorie beef stew that was to die for. Having not taken my medication yet I was still hungry and proceeded to my kitchen to cook my own popcorn, just kernels, olive oil, and salt. No butter. No problem. When I had finished about half of that I threw it to the birds to pick at. After one more round of tea, I sprinted to my computer to find dome good thinspo to paste into my food journal.

My favorite kind of thinspo is ones that have pictures and words, they just please me. I was having a hard time finding that and created a bunch of my own, mashing fonts, pictures and quotes I had my thinspo(the picture above is something I did)

Im going to have more tea, because i dont put sugar and milk in it like I do with coffee. Ill update later <3 stay skinny

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So steak for dinner, I ate half of it :/ plus sweet potatoes and spinach. Im stuffed full food and feel sick as can be. Im also tearing myself apart with jealousy because my best friend is out with Chess tonight. I know I know Im over him(?)but old habits die really hard. He is under the name 'Forget' in my phone and it makes it easier to talk to him cause as far as I can tell im just talking to someone....not my Chess. When I see my friends talk to him in school I flare with anger, he hugs another girl and im seething with jealousy. Goddamn :[ Ill attempt to figure it out...

and a new season deserves a new background <3 what do you think?

18hours of hunger, 18hours of happiness

Im proud. very, very proud. Yesterday I had off from school, had breakfast(sandwich) and then decided I wasnt gonna eat. Liquids (all diet pepsi, cept for a few other drinks) Thursday consisted of Tv, smoking, and then really awkward anime club. I was really depressed because all that M. had at anime club(its a school club that we had at his house because we had no school) all he had to drink was regular Pepsi, Mountain Dew, and Orange soda. All there was to eat was chips, so I didnt have any. Anime club is basically an excuse to watch alot of tv and movies. It was awkward because M. kept sliding his hand further, and further down my thigh...till it was in my crotch...weeeeird. Anywho I got home and my parents had already eaten pizza and didnt ask if I had eaten at all :] so I went right to bed!

When I woke up today I had a very very small cup of some amazingly tasty, and unhealthy hotchocolate (peppermint hot chocolate from William Sonoma omg its heaven) two sodas, cigarettes, 1peice of pizza, and a half sandwich. Not to bad. OH and tea. lots of tea with a lemon.

Im not sure how much I weigh. Last time I checked I was 107.0 but that was a couple weeks ago and Ive been on a sortof binge. It feels great to blog again. :D

One of my best friends always complains(worries) about her sister cause she thinks an Ideal weight is 98lbs. She (according to MH. bulimic) and when she talks about it I sit there and nod my head agree all the way, say her sister is too thin and needs help. but honestly I want to pat her sister on the back and tell her about this underground community of proanas, I want to share with her how great I feel when I dont eat for almost 2 days. But I cant :[ My friend (MH) ex-boyfriend called me Anorexic and on the outside I was like "excuse me, I am not!" on the inside I was very pleased, cause that means Im thin!

ALRIGHT GOAL TIME:::

back to 104.0lbs or less

work on my writing skills

catch up on all your lovely blogs

read more books!!

fool me once...

So I told Chess I missed him. I missed talking to him and seeing him. I apologized for everything, how I acted etc. What does he do? Acts like an asshole that what. I was talking to him, like we use to talk. Like friends, thats the only way I know how to repair a friendship, to just talk and put things back to normal. He told me he missed me to, and also apologized for hurting me but I doubt he meant either His response to my apologizing, my I miss you's, my broken heart? "Look I dont know what your doing, you ignored me and now you act like nothing happened. You broke up with me isnt it the end of it? wtf are you doing" I told him I was regretting breaking up with him. I knew he missed me. I knew he loved me. But he always thought the worst of me, that I was going to cheat, that I was making fun of him. I presented a chance for him to show me that he actually cared about me, not who I was doing behind his back. I was trying to work things out with him the only way I knew. And he was an ass.

Fool me once shame on you
Fool me twice shame on me...

Adrienne needs a Cigarette

hello again

I broke up with chess. a couple of weeks ago. It was a mistake I miss him with all of my heart. I really do. all his faults made him the guy i...love? i see a picture of him on facebook and my lungs burn, and the familiar pressure of tears begins to swell in my eyes. The corners of my mouth turn down into a frown, my bottom lip protruding out. my nose twitches and hurts a little. I can feel it in my chest my lungs are stinging. I blink furiously, looking up in an attempt to dam the river of tears. before the dam gives way I scroll down, close the browser all together taking deep cool breaths. Suddenly images come back I feel him...I have to stop...

I spend my days watching bad movies on netflix, to keep my mind occupied. But those moments, little 1second pauses in a movie my mind rushes back to chess. Focus. Focus. Focu. Foc. Fo. F...Movie again. So far today? Shawshank Redemption, Jaws, The Curious case of Benjamin Button, Crazies, Paranormal Activity, and the Roast of Bob Saget. More movies to come. No music, it all makes me think of...yaknow.

I was such a Bitch to him. A complete asshole. And I am so sorry for it. I wish he could read this...maybe ill send it....Maybe tomorrow when my parents leave for the afternoon Ill send him an apologie. With noone home I can cry and sheik all I want. I would give anything for him to forgive me...

I have been such a terrible girlfriend to him. I was always not good enough for him. He was too nice and sweet...maybe a little to much sometimes...But I always felt to safe and happy in his arm. The happiest moments with him were sitting on my couch under his arm, my face on his chest, and my legs over his lap. So warm. Maybe oneday Ill find the guts to send him this. God Im so sorry. I want him to know how sorry I am for ever hurting him. I made him return everything. All my notes. Pictures. Gifts. I set it all on fire. I told him that I didnt want him to have them. In reality I wanted them because they were proof that i was happy. And I didnt want to know anymore, I wanted them all gone so that there was no proof that I was so happy once. I cant delete my head though.

Im tempted to go crawling back on my knees to him, apologizing left and right. but Im so goddamn proud. That I cant. Fuck me. It wouldnt hurt so bad if he didnt mean so much to me. he means to much to me. Chess lee.