Ants. I fucking hate ants.

I hate them so much. Now that its warming up they are invading my house. They are so gross. ewewewew.

Any way I had my first driving lesson today and it was actually alot of fun. I cant turn very well, but it really was my first time. After my lesson I still had to wait a half hour for my mom to pick me up. She told me "Im going to be there late, go get some pizza or a cup of coffee." I did neither of these things. I spent that half hour walking around the small town. I must've walked it 3 times. I wish I had my pedometer on >.< After that I went home and spent the day watching tv. My mom made dinner tonight. Stuffed shells, of which I only had 3. Then  I ate half this ghastly whipped chocolate and cookies thing my mom made. It was covered in some sort of alcohol, god I felt sick the entire time I ate it. Bleh.

Otherwise I drink diet pepsi :] good day

Did I even eat today?

Im just lost. I dont know what to do really. I have no idea what to do about Chess, my weight, school, internships, getting a job, learning to drive, government class, or life. I dont want to do life anymore. I dont want the days to change anymore.

I didnt eat today. Not one bite of food. However, I did drink a Arizona Iced Tea. I need some water. Im going to hopefully not binge tonight, like Ive been doing every night. For the past 2 days. Or at least thats what it feels like.

I have no energy. My head hurts. Im tired. Im depressed as hell. I should be happier that I havent eaten today. No Im just sad. I just want Chess. But he doesn't seem to want me. But Im not sure. If I admit to him that I never wanted to break up with him and it was a mistake he might be more willing to take me back. God, I didnt want to cry. Today sucks. 

How would I look blonde?

Im thinking about dyeing my hair blond when I turn 18. As a birthday present. Im also going to get my belly button pierced while Im in NC(without my parents knowledge of course!) Thats why its imperative I reach my goal of 102.0 and have great abs/ass. I dont want to go down to a beach town during spring break and be the only one in a one piece bathing suit. I cant help but associate 1piece bathing suits with being fat. I only ever wore them when I was really really chubby. I want to go down to North Carolina looking like I just stepped out of a magazine cover. I will not take anything less then perfect. Now if only I could stop eating like I did today >.<

Yesterday my mother came home with 4boxes of Kraft Mac and cheese. When I got home today I decided I was going to eat one. Ugh. I didnt really want it. And I knew I shouldnt be eating it, but what do I do? before I knew it the whole pot was gone. Now Im drinking a regular Coke. Kill me. Just kill me. Someone offered me cookies at school. And holy god why did I eat them. Now my parents are coming home with a pizza.

Im going to tell them that I ate mac and cheese and that Im just too full. I tried the 4minute workout that Meg posted on her blog. Holy shit I did not expect that. Honestly I didnt even finish it. I havent even pretended to work out in forever. We are going to start going to the weight room in gym soon. I plan on getting a perfect ass there. I need to start wearing my Reebok easy tones more often. They wont do much for me if I dont wear them! Then again, they wont do much for me if I don't walk much either.

My moms in the middle of getting her lazer eye sugery whatever done. Shes going to have 20/20 vision. Gonna be a good time when she gets home. Im going to walk in place for an hour. Ill keep adding to this then!! <3

I Will Get There. I Will Be A Swimsuit Model 

Well Jesus Fucking Christ on a Coke Binge

Its fun to say. And I dont even know what kindof day I had. Lets review shall we?
I woke up at 6 for school, and my window was still open from last night so my room was freezing. After I got out of the shower my stomach started to hurt me immensely. Immediately I took 3Tylenol and some sort of stomach pill, and of course my daily 72mgConcerta for adhd. By the time I got to school I was ready to pass out. And I did! In math twice I blinked then my head was on the table asleep. Im guessing I took to many tylenol because it was a similar reaction to past endeavors into hydrocodone, and Vicodin. Not only that but I was a little bit high so the first 4periods of my day did not go well. Unexpectedly my day got better, I started painting a second stool in art class, Izzabitch didnt bother me, we had a sub, Government class didnt totally suck, and options class was fun :]

Did I mention any food in this? anywhere? No you say? well thats because the only thing that Ive eaten today was 1diet Pepsi. Im totally proud of myself. I think were having pork chops for dinner. Eh. Gross. I hate pork chops. Most likely Ill only be able to get away with eating 1, any less and my parents would be angry.

YOOO MOMMA GOT ME 3ARIZONA ICED TEAS YUM

Diet Pepsi
Curry+rice
1/bagel
1 Arizona

alright I just ate dinner. Oy. I feel so full and gross. I hate this feeling. All I want is for my stomach to work faster so I will stop feeling so full then Ill be able to do crunches till I puke. <33 I love reading your blogs

I Deserve All This Pain

Last night was the first night in awhile that Ive gotten blazed. The munchies hit me like a fucking train. I opened an Arnold Palmer Iced tea, and then went downstairs and fried a Quesadilla, it was gooey and cheesy and hot and crunchy and oh so fucking delicious. I felt like a failure after I ate it. When I woke up in the morning I decided that a good breakfast would be another Quesadilla. I have no idea why I told my dad to cook me one, but before I knew it I was chewing on another disgusting, greasy, chicken and cheese filled thing. Theyre about 700 calories each, and I drank half my Iced Tea.


Heres where my day just turn to shit. All day my stomach has been killing me. Just killing me. You know when your stomach hurts so bad, youre doubled over, all the energy is taken out of you, and that pain radiates all the way to your mouth? That was me all day. Every now and then my stomach would make an epic grumble immediately hurdling me into a world of pain. I wanted to cry. Somehow, despite all the pain I was in, I still managed to walk around school, to the deli and back twice, and seem perfectly fine almost the entire time. But believe me, it was tough. But honestly I learned my lesson. I deserved all the pain I was in for eating those damn Quesadillas.

Chess and I were supposed to go out for a sandwich today, but he had a tire blow out while he was driving. I would've loved to spend time with him, but he was stranded at a car shop. I would have picked him up but I dont drive. My parents are making me start a driving course this week so I guess Im going to learn to drive >.<

I think there is going to be ribs slathered in bbq sauce and egg noodles for dinner. Ugh. I feel sick enough and I already exceeded the 800 calorie mark today. I wish I could just go to sleep now rather then stay up till 1 again like I did last night. Im sad, but I hope reading your wonderful blogs will cheer me up.

Thin dreams <3