hello again

I broke up with chess. a couple of weeks ago. It was a mistake I miss him with all of my heart. I really do. all his faults made him the guy i...love? i see a picture of him on facebook and my lungs burn, and the familiar pressure of tears begins to swell in my eyes. The corners of my mouth turn down into a frown, my bottom lip protruding out. my nose twitches and hurts a little. I can feel it in my chest my lungs are stinging. I blink furiously, looking up in an attempt to dam the river of tears. before the dam gives way I scroll down, close the browser all together taking deep cool breaths. Suddenly images come back I feel him...I have to stop...

I spend my days watching bad movies on netflix, to keep my mind occupied. But those moments, little 1second pauses in a movie my mind rushes back to chess. Focus. Focus. Focu. Foc. Fo. F...Movie again. So far today? Shawshank Redemption, Jaws, The Curious case of Benjamin Button, Crazies, Paranormal Activity, and the Roast of Bob Saget. More movies to come. No music, it all makes me think of...yaknow.

I was such a Bitch to him. A complete asshole. And I am so sorry for it. I wish he could read this...maybe ill send it....Maybe tomorrow when my parents leave for the afternoon Ill send him an apologie. With noone home I can cry and sheik all I want. I would give anything for him to forgive me...

I have been such a terrible girlfriend to him. I was always not good enough for him. He was too nice and sweet...maybe a little to much sometimes...But I always felt to safe and happy in his arm. The happiest moments with him were sitting on my couch under his arm, my face on his chest, and my legs over his lap. So warm. Maybe oneday Ill find the guts to send him this. God Im so sorry. I want him to know how sorry I am for ever hurting him. I made him return everything. All my notes. Pictures. Gifts. I set it all on fire. I told him that I didnt want him to have them. In reality I wanted them because they were proof that i was happy. And I didnt want to know anymore, I wanted them all gone so that there was no proof that I was so happy once. I cant delete my head though.

Im tempted to go crawling back on my knees to him, apologizing left and right. but Im so goddamn proud. That I cant. Fuck me. It wouldnt hurt so bad if he didnt mean so much to me. he means to much to me. Chess lee.

Low-Profile

Hello my lovlies. I have been MIA for a couple of days, Ive been reading your blogs though :]I have been really quite sick for the past 2day. Tuesday I vomited after 2beers, 2 shots of whiskey(?), and some good ol' bud. I took wednesday off(no hangover thank god) But I still feel crappy. Even though I havent been keeping up with my blog I have been writing down what I eat and all that :]

Schools just taken over latley. I still have a shit-ton of math homework to do in preparation for a test tomorrow. I got my GPA today, 83. Im working on all sorts of college things, aplications, portfolios. At least my AP art class hasnt taken over my life just yet.

I got on the scale yesterday and was horrified, it said 115Lbs...But I really dont thing it was accurate. I was sick and had been eating ALL DAY.(mostly soup, water and some pasta but still) Im gonna go re-weigh myself

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Sigh of relief, 111.0Lbs. Its after dinner, and Im loaded with water. haha excuses excuses. Im going to get on here much more often I hope, but right now I have math homework to get started on <33 stay thin

2days of binge

I apologize for my lack of post!
This weekend, all Ive been doing is eating. Yesterday was
Coffe
banana milkshake
pizza
gellatto
pasta
soda
hotdog
steak
cheese
apple
and im sure theres more :/

Today:
Coffee
soda
cupcake
coconut macroons
Grits
bacon
rice

Ugh Ive been so full all weeked, I havent been wearing my pedometer, and I feel like Ive gained 10Lbs. I feel like such a lazy bum, one of those obese people who say they cant get exercise because of some silly problem.

Holy crap I just caught a mouse in my house(lol ryme) it was crawling at the edge of the couch and I threw a basket over him and threw him in a big bucket. @_______@ its so cute and small!

Anywho. Im going to restrict as much as possible. I have about 3weeks till I go to North Carolina, My brother has told me that all the girls at his collage have great bodies. So I've gotta be ready. My mom tells me Im too thin, but hopefully if I loose it slowly enough she wont really notice. I love all you girls Im going to get back to posting every night and catching up on your blogs.

<33 stay thin

Freakin

Sorry about the lack of post yesterday. I was far to tired to do it :[ I was falling asleep at 8:00 last night. Turned my tv off just in time to pass out.

Yesterady was pretty good on food. I had coffee, Diet Coke, and a sandwich. Today I've had hot chocolate, and Diet Coke. oh and gum :] Im not sure what I weigh but my mom keeps saying I'm too thin. Everyday I hear it. She grabs my side "to find something, theres nothing there"

Me and Chess havent really worked things out. I havent really talked to him. I've been very stand-offish. My...trust? respect? attention? is like a big bucket of water. It takes a few seconds to clear it out, and a while to fill it back up. Its sortof happened before where I go auto-piolet, robot around him. Ittle be fine :] (thanks for your support ladies, I really apreciate it)

Im currently in the library at my school. There are tables of computers, and a few single computers around. Normally I go to a single computer in the back, but when I got here today these insolent little 6th graders were google maping their houses. I was forced to sit at a group table. I was fine, checking blogs etc, untill this 8th grade boy sat down next to me and kept looking at my screen. I was about to start typing this blog but I was petrified! The 6th grade girls ran off for lunch and I quickly changed computers haha :] It was so freaky.

Im kinof a people watcher. got it from my dad lol Theres this 7th? 6th? grade girl running between 2 tables talking to friends and shes rather chubby(unfortunatly her chances of the weight being babyfat and dissaprearing during puberty are slim[lol get it? slim?]) What bothers me is the jean mini-skirt that shows off a good portion of thigh and...higher then thigh. I hate it when i see kids wearing bad clothes. I hate looking back at what I wear and going gewwww. Ohhh childhood. :] Ok enough ranting aboout random people.

I love you all, and all your support. You really help me <333
stay thin!

Banana anger

Today intake was really good considering the ammount that I've been eating latley. Coffee for breakfast, diet coke for lunch, pork cops with rice and broccolie for dinner. I didn't do as much walking as I wouldve liked. I'm extreamly worn out. Hence the lack luster post :/ I just finished a banana milkshake. It's just milk, ice, banana, and vanilla for flavor. It was tasty but extrodinarly filling.

Last night my boyfriend and I... Well it wasn't a fight but I did tell him how I felt about being touchy. He told me it angered him that I didn't do anything. He said he wasn't asking me to do anythig but he wanted to know why I was so damn weird. I straight up told him if he wanted a girlfriend who put out he made a bad fucking choice. I said that I was trying as hard as I could to change, and that I was sorry for leading him on etc. I'm still really upset. He picked me up to go to school and he told me he was sorry and that he wasn't mad at me he just wanted to know if he had done somthing wrong, even thoguh I was I the verge of tears I said he hadn't.(he really hasn't :/) I three on my mirrored aviator sunglasses and spent the rest of the carride concentrating on not crying. When we finally arrived at school I threw on a brave face held his hand and walked into school. We only had first period together and I didn't see him the rest of the day. I rode the bus home, rather then ride with him. When I got home and checked my phone he sent somthing along the lines of "I'm sorry but I understand you want to break up" it was an obvious cry for me to answer him. I told him that I didn't know if I was mad at him or not. I'm really upset over the whole thing. I haven't talked to him for hours. I don't want to. I've been debating making a pros and cons list... But I'm afraid of what the out come will be. I want to break down and cry or get trashed.

I'm going to restrict as much as possible until this thing is resolved. Ugh. So depressed :[