Maybe next time..

Fuck my minds messed up. I really just want to kill myself. I dont see a point in living when people can just stop loving you and stop caring about you at the drop of the hat, where they just give up on you. What's the point? That slim chance at happiness just isnt worth it. So right now Im just waiting...till Im 21 and can buy a handgun and shoot myself in the head while I stare at a beautiful scene...maybe the sunset on the beach, maybe a nice wooded area next to a lake or a creek... I cant even tell anyone this. Id get sent to a mad house. No One would understand why I feel this way or how my husband leaving me for almost zero reason would mess me up to the verge of suicide. I just dont know what to do...telling myself to wait till Im 21 is the only reason Im alive now...If I had a gun... I almost did it at the range in the Army when we were practicing with handguns, but then I thought I had reason to live seeing as I had my husband....

I know that was a bit dark so...I'll just do with all my real emotions and shut them up behind a door and lock it shut and only let it out when I'm alone in the middle of the night. Ugh. I feel like shit. Mentally, physically, metaphorically, literally. I ate over a thousand calories yesterday(even after i puked up that sandwich)  Im just addicted to food and it sucks. Maybe I need some of those pills that make you feel full that will help a lot getting me on track... I need to start slow...

Todays been alright so far, I got called into work on my day off -.- but thats some extra money in my pocket cause the last couple days of work I haven't sold anything, so I kind of jumped at the chance to work a more popular store. I only ate a peach today(60cal) and a Grande Americano from Starbucks(so 5cal) Its just the rest of the day Im worried about. Gonna stay hydrated and try and flush my shitty feelings away with tea and water.

If youve read this whole thing...Thank you <3 I have no one to talk to right now and it means the world that you took the time to listen to me.

<33 Adrienne

Talk about a comeback

Well. Here I am again. This time at an all time heaviest of 128lbs. Disgusting. I've got two chins and a fuck ton of fat. Now, I'm sure you're asking yourself "damn Adrienne how did you get so fat" we'll I ask myself that every 10minutes of every day. Part of it was joining the Army. To them in shape and looking good we're two very different things. The other part was when I moved down to NC all I ate was shitty food. Now here I am craving terrible greasy food. I already ate over 1000 calories today. Holy hell how do I stop??? 

I'm definitely going to purge that sandwich up. All 680 cal. Ugh. At least I'm at work(oh yea I sell mattresses now, I watch Netflix all day cause how many people go mattress shopping on a Thursday at 4?) so I'm all alone. Which probably makes me fatter cause I don't do anything all day but lounge on my ass watching Archer in a $6K bed. So hard. So it's not like when I go to work I'm moving/distracted from food. 

Help me please. Anyone have any advice to get me back on track HELP!!

Yep double chin/jowels. Check that sweet arm fat. Disgusting. Did I mention I live in a beach town? Bikini nightmare. 

Edit: got most of it up :/

Things have Changed a Lot

Well, im in college and I love it. Smoke weed and do drug everyday. I did gain the freshmen 5, but im working on that. Theres so much shit thats happened to me here that I cant write everything. Ive made so many friends here but such bad things have happened at the same time. Friends trying to kill themselves, friends getting arrested and leaving school, friends being violent alcoholics and cutting themselves, loosing a very special pipe to the police, me going to the hospital for taking 22benadryl, having to pick up another friend from jail. The list is long. Yesterday was the worst.

it started Thursday, my friend and I went to Canada for the day and had an awesome time (I woke up at like 9am) saw Niagara Falls and stole some shit from gift shops, climbed over the railing next to the falls for a superman toy. Great time. When I got back home my friend asked me if I wanted to drop some Acid. I said hell yea. Popped it in my mouth and an hour latter I was laughing my fucking ass off, and I didnt stop for hours. It was great. I stayed up all night on chatroullette with my roommate brian. the next day I kept getting waves of acid feeling(that was cool) but long after it had worn off I couldnt look at people. All the worries about school, friends, myself just crashed on me. I couldnt get out of bed. I cried everytime someone knocked at my door. when my friend came down to ask me what was wrong i ran away in to the woods(theres a creek surrounded by woods next to my school where we all smoke weed and do drugs and have fires) i sat there for a good hour or two bawling my eyes out trying to think of what to do. Kill myself? cant do that. Im to much of a pussy for it. cut myself a little? no. Im smarter than that. My only option was to get help. I told the school counclers I was suicidal and were going to try and give me partial medical leave so this semester wont be a total fuck up. Ugh. after that my friends forced me to eat. at that point I still hadnt eaten in over 24hrs and I was really proud of that. when I got in the shower I was seeing the diffrence the past week or so of me eating alot less has worked. i dont know Im going to be on here a bit more I hope while I work on myself.

College!

so I finally went to college, ive been here for a week. Im at Fredonia in NY about 7hrs from home and honestly...Im miserable. I havent really made friends(not for a lack of trying just noone sticks :/) My classes are alright. Im taking Geology, English, a 2D design class, and a Foundations in drawing class as well as a Art history and a Visiting Artist program. My roomate is cretty cool, a bit messy but nothing to bad. I like my room and my dorm but I havent made friends, I just dont feel right here. :[

So here is the worst and best part. The food. Mostly I made my own food in my dorm, mostly rice or ramen. There a a million places to get food. My favorite dining hall has a huge selection and best of all they post all the calories in the meal your eating. The worst part about that is nobody likes that dining hall, they like the other place that serves pizza, garlic bread, basically everything unhealthy with no calories posted. The other dining hall right next to my dorm is a all you can eat buffet of unhealthy. THIS IS WHY WE GAIN THE  FRESHMAN 15!! ugh :[

As i said ive been here a week, most of it spent in my room. Im totally unhappy. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my home. I miss my family. I have no idea how much I weigh anymore so im going to walmart in a little bit to buy a scale and whatever else I need. Ive started smoking about 7X more cigarettes than ever before. I really thought Id like college...

Im sorry :( Ive turned into a lardball

Im sorry everyone, I disappeared on all of you and for the worst reason, to eat. The past 2weeks of so ive been eating like crazy. And it hasnt been just any food...its been real junk food. Ive eaten McDonalds 4times. Not even the chicken or getting smalls, full on BigMac, large fries, and diet coke. One time i got 2mighty kids meals, TWO OF THEM. Ive been eating 5-10 pizza bagels for breakfast. One morning I ate 15 cookies called Coconut dreams, theyre basically somoas in one sitting.  What im trying to tell you is I have a problem.

Im sick, i cant get outta this binge and Chess isnt helping me at all. Hes a junk food eater. He eats junk like that at least once a week. He is the one bringing me food, feeding me, driving me to McDonalds, or wherever I want to stuff my face. I love him to death and I know he means well but hes making me fat. Ugh.

Yesterday I started to buckle down, I drank water at Chess's house instead of gingerale. I only ate a little chinese food for dinner around5ish and didnt eat the rest of the night. I defidently worked off the pizza bagels I had for breakfast, Chess and I painted his living room yesterday for his mom, we had to move lots of furniture and whatnot but it ended up looking really nice :)

Todays going to better and a real workout. Were going on zip lines so im gonna be moving alot today :) Chess slept over last night cause hes coming with us, he tucked me in last night and kissed me goodnight, it was the best thing ever <3

Thin dreams!

Working it Off is Going to Kill Me

So yesterday I graduated :D it was really boring and long, I don't find things like that important at all. Id rather have just been handed the diploma on the last day of school. Id guess you'd just say Im low key.

So this is me in my cap and gown, one good thing about graduation is those gowns, noone can tell how much you weigh under them!

After graduation my parents, Chess, and I went out to an amazing Chinese food restaurant. Coincidentally its the same one that Chess delivers for, but their food is so fucking good I cant help but go there for sushi whenever I get the chance.  

This is the kind of Sushi I ate, its called a passion roll, look! its a heart! :D Its a spicy tuna and avocado roll with a piece of tuna on top YUMM

Alright, so I gotta tell you about today and how hard I worked! When I woke up I went downstairs and had my usual bagel and coffee(550 calories) then after that I decided that wasn't cool, too many calories. So I got my ass going! I spent hours working on the Wii fit, I started doing the biking game for about 30minutes(kind of like running in place) then I actually ran in place for another 30minutes burning around 300calories(including other games etc.) in between my exercise I ate a salad and had a Sun Drop soda, altogether I had around over 1000calories, but after all that exercise(and I'm not even done for today) I ate about 700 calories, which is the best I've done in weeks!  

Thin dreams <3

Its a Two Update Day!

Alright, went to the doctors and I do in fact have a UTI. Ugh. its really painful >.<

I got 3 really cute dresses today :D One is for graduation, the other two are just cause I look awesome in them. Its really weird, my favorite thing ever is big red and white stripes, even though horizontal stripes are supposed to make you look bigger I wear them all the time. I have 2shirts, 1dress, and a pair of shoes all red and white stripes. I am a girl obsessed! I just love them, I think they look great on me. ;]

Ive eaten a fuck ton of food today.: 

Everything Bagel +Butter

Coffee+Hot Chocolate+milk

Watermelon Blowpop

Chicken Caesar Salad in a Spinach Wrap

Water

Ice Cream+Chocolate Sauce+ Cherries

Im really sad right now. I have the NY State Trig Regents tomorrow Im afraid Im going to fail though >.< My Dad wouldnt let me go out tonight even for a few hours to see Chess and he couldnt come over because he had to watch his little sister. I havent seen him in two days and its really hard after seeing him every single day and spending hours with him for the past 2weeks or so. I miss him :/ so tonights really not going as well I had hoped. My stomach hurts, Im not snuggling with my boy, I ate a fuck tom of food, my parents are mad at me for some reason, and ughhh I have to go to bed early tooonight and thats going to suck.

Ill probably end up eating half a bagel later >.< 

Graduation!

My thighs. Still chubby but I love the space between them 

So I know that you might not want to hear about this, but ohhh fuuuuck I think I have a urinary tract infection. It huuuuuuurts to peeeeeeeeeeee! Not fun yeooo. Im going to the doctors later today :( hopefully it will get better.

Ok, but tomorrow Im graduation High school! Ive got rehersal at 8am, and then my trig regents at 12:15, and finally graduation at 6:00pm. Im pretty excited except I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR. Im hoping my mom will take me to Forever 21 and get a cute cheap dress. I really like wearing dresses but I have like one or two that are casual enough to wear out on a regular day. My favorite dress I got when I was still big, it  didnt fit and looked terrible on me, my mom told me to get rid of it but I kept it. Now I look pretty damn good in it. It was one of those little victories. :]

Last night was really bad. Filet mignon with a gorgonzola sauce on top, baked potatoe fries, and asparagus. Then i drank 2 cans of Sun Drop soda. Ugh. So much. I didnt even bother weighing myself. Right now
Im watching Hoarders, i like watching it alot. I find somthing nice about watching people with no control, makes me feel like i actually have some
.

And  now for some bikini Thinspo!!

Eat Like a Model, Look Like a Model

Little bit of thinspo, all stolen from tumblr lolol but its a great place for it :] 

Enjoy

I feel like the incredible hulk... in a bad way

Just added up my calories from yesterday, did the math and my grand total was 1325calories. I cant believe it. I had general tsaos(spelling?) Chicken and rice for dinner, not alot but about half of it. Chess had the other half. I figured out what trips me up when I go to Chess's house, its soda. He drinks caffiene free pepsi, which is a gold can. In my head anything thats not in a navy blue can means diet, so i end up drinking all 150calories. It seems like such a silly mistake, but i dont notice the difference because its not quite as sugary/surupie tasting as regular pepsi. Im going to have to watch that.

On an unrelated note, Chess's moms new nickname for me is "skinny" and honestly i dont appreciate it. I dont need to be made fun of for being skinny. I cant take pride in being so skiny that i get called "skinny", i just feel like theyre making fun of me. Uggh. I dont want to ask Chess to tell her to stop because shes such a nice lady and it would be more awkward then it already is with her sometimes. 

I didnt eat much yet, just a bagel and some coffee, but were probably gonna have a big dinner cause its fathers day ugh Thin dreams <3

ALRIGHT! Story Time! :D

So ive got a few stories to tell you guys :] theyre pretty funny, and a little bit depressing. But I need to tell you!

First off, Prom. My school had prom at West Point, my date was a sophomore named Calyl and he was by far the worst date ever. Hes 17 and turning 18, but he was held back a couple times. The reason he was so terrible was first he tried to cancel on me. Prom day, while Im sitting next to the limo, he called and said "yeah I dont think I can make it blah blah blah my cars messed up" -.- My friend and I told him idgaf whats wrong with his car, get a fucking taxi and get here. So he says fine hell get a taxi. He shows up an hour and a half late, were all sitting in the limo waiting to go when he finally pulls up in the taxi and hops out. Hes fucking half dressed. Tie undone, Cuffs undone, tags still on the suit, and most damming of all...he forgot my corsage. I was so pissed. He kept kissing me on the cheek like it was all alright, I was like nah man fuck that. I ended up tying his tie cause he didnt know how to. He didnt dance with me. Didnt eat with me. He was MIA all night. But honestly I was glad I didnt see him cause hes dead to me.

Oh and that dress I wore was my grandmas, its about 60years old :D(thanks Lottie!)

Im also really glad to be back(im gonna be spending a whole lot of time catching up on blogs starting with yours Olivia Lee ;D)

Not much else has happened, I turned 18! My birthdays in April and it was pretty good. I got $200, half was spent on weed and cigarettes, the other half on a new cell phone, I got the HTC Inspire :] its awesome. I just downloaded  a calorie tracker app its great, I can scan the barcode of what I eat and it pops up with the calories.

I weighed myself today, 107Lbs. I gained that pretty fucking quickly. Im gonna loose it quickly too, my plan for the doctors next time is to just drink a fuck ton of water and just appear to be a normal weight. I didnt think being 107lbs would ever bother me this much. I mean, Im really disturbed by it. Last night I ate about half the Chinese food I normally do. I eat alot of chinese food because Chess is a delivery boy for a Chinese/Japanese restaurant and at the end of the night they give him sesame chicken, lots of rice, and soup. Hes supposed to be loosing weight for the army, so he makes me eat most of it.

alright time to catch up on all your stuff <33 thin dreams!

ps. One thing that buggs the crap outta me is when girls on tumblr post thinspo, but the picture is of a chubby chick. Im like "you must be new" -.-

Wow, its been forever

Prom picture :D

I wanted to update you girls on what Ive been up to. Since I got to 100lbs I just kindof stopped caring about my weight, I kindof went back up to 107 for a little while which wasnt so bad.A couple weeks ago I went to the doctors to get a new prescription for my ADHD meds. Every time I go they weigh me, thinking I was still at 107Lbs I didnt think much of it but when I got on the scale I weighed just 100.5Lbs. I was kindof proud of myself that without even trying I had worked my way down to 100ish, but the death glares from my mom were really annoying. They put me on a lower dose of medication, one that wont mess with my appetite so much, and Ive been eating massive amounts of food just to please my parents and Chess.

OH yea, I havent told yall! Chess and I were basically back together. Were not boyfriend and girlfriend, hes really afraid of relationships cause everyone hes had has ended badly and its really fucked his mind up, he doesnt want to fuck it up with me so right now were just not official. As far as Im concerned hes my boyfriend. So Im REALLY happy. Chess isnt graduating highschool, he dropped out to get his G.E.D and join the military. He wants to be on the front lines shooting terrorists and whatnot, that scares me that he could get hurt :[ hell be shipping out to basic training next January or February.

Im going to start going to the Gym with my best friend Megan :] we walked over a mile every day during school cause we were walking down to that deli, so now that summers here and were not walking down there we need to keep our exercise up!

Now I said Im gaining weight, just to make my mom happy, and Chess happy. HOWEVER Im not recovering, or anything like that. I want to stay skinny. Its really a great feeling. The past week or so Ive been eating till Im about to burst and that actually sucks. I mean its awesome eating everything and anything I want but doing it will Im full is really unfun. Id rather eat whatever I want, in really small quantities. I havent eaten anything today except coffee. Im going to have some amazing sushi for dinner, and some chinese food cause chess will make me eat it. Other than that, theres not much I want to wat so Ill be safe all day <33

Thin Dreams lovlies I missed you and Im going to try and update a little more often <3333333

and If you care follow my tumblr, its not a thinspo or diet blog its motsly just shit I love(weed, Adventure time, diet pepsi, random stuff) http://adriennethekid.tumblr.com/ too many people I know IRL follow me for it to be about ana, but follow me ill follow you back <3

Still Reeling

I checked again today...still 100.5! Honestly I dont want to loose anymore weight, its not that Im skinny enough, I can always be skinnier! The truth is there is a point where people can tell how we got to be so damn skinny. When we weigh 99.0 lbs everyone can tell that we havent eaten in 2days, theres no other explanation at that point. I would love to weigh 99.0Lbs. That would really be the low-fat icing on the Jenny Craig low calorie cake! lol But weighing 99Lbs isnt worth the inevitable drama that would come with it. I would rather weigh 100.0lbs and be free to do whatever the fuck I want, rather then weigh 99.0lbs and have to visit doctors, be watched constantly, forced to eat, and all the emotional drama that would really do damage to me. Im skinny now. I know I am.

I know how shocking this must sound. A pro-ana person saying shes skinny enough?  Well yes. For now any way. Under the watchful eye of my parents this is as skinny as I can be without attracting negative attention. I could keep going, but Id rather wait till college when Im not being watched.

One more thing :] Im proof darlings. Proof that youll get there too. Its not impossible. We can look like the models in magazines, we can be as skinny as we want, and the people who say its not possible are the people who just didnt try fucking hard enough!

<33 I love you all and I promise to be back tomorrow!

Thats its girls Ive made it!

Im so sorry Ive been gone so long I havent forgotten about you Ive just been so wrapped up in other things like school, college, internships, Chess, and all sorts of stuff. First off I got into Buffalo State college! And SUNY Purchase! Im so proud of myself that I actually made it into college!!

Second. Now heres the big news. Get ready. This morning I weighed myself, expecting it to be close to 110.0lbs since I feel like Ive been eating so much food lately. I got on the scale, the numbers started rolling around, and then they stopped and I opened up my eyes, looked down, and looked at the scale in disbelief. 100.5lbs. 100.5Lbs. I had to check it different times. Then I went and checked a different scale, it said the same thing. Im 100.5lbs. so damn happy I cant even..

<333stay skinny girls

104.0Lbs!!!

Guess who just weighed herself at 104.0lbs? Meee!!! Im so happy that Im just one pound away from reaching my goal weight!

I had my 5hr course for driving yesterday which meant I had an excuse not to eat lunch! When that was over my mom picked me up and we went and did some driving practice until it was dinner. We went and picked up some sushi and dumplings for dinner. I only ate 1roll or sushi, and a few fried pork dumplings. Yum they were so delicious!

Todays been great so far, I had some Chicken Tika Masala and Rice for breakfast. Im hoping that my mom and I will go up to Woodstock later maybe grab some coffee and pick up her artwork from a gallery. Its going to be a beautiful day so Im super pumped!

Im in such a good mood! I figured out something, my ADHD medication keeps me calm. Every night I go crazy somehow. I get really upset sometimes, not bipolar but I think a lot less clearly and logically when my meds wear off. I mean I already knew that, what I figured out was, If I take half my meds in the AM then about halfway through the day I take the other half Ill be calm all day and wont freak out at night. Ill be able to control my appetite 24/7 and Ill be a lot more pleasant!

Think thin!!
Thank you for all your kind words about my artwork :]

Shamrock Shake!!

I only ate 1/2 a small shamrock shake today. That was it. That and some Arizona iced teas to keep me going :]. I almost ruined it tonight when I went to work with Chess, he was going to order me some of the highest calorie foods for dinner (hes a chinese food delivery boy so he gets a great discount) and I just kept telling him no, I dont want food!! He finally caved and didnt buy me food. I feel terrible though. It might be caffeine withdrawal...got I hope it is. I dont like being depressed.

I had gym today and did some fucking intense workouts on my abs. They will probably be sore tomorrow :] Ah its a good day when everything is sore!

GET THIS lol I asked my friend to purchase me marb. reds(cigarettes) and a green lighter. She returns with regular reds(I smoke 100's which are long) and a fucking crack lighter.Gah I was fuming.

Wow! thanks for all your nice words on my art :] it really means alot to me! Alice in Waterland is my concentration for AP art. Its done in Watercolors and ink. <33

sorry for the short post!! <33 thin dreams

Meat Pie

When I was little I lived in Australia. One of my favorite memories was eating meat pies. Its exactly what it sounds like. Theyre meat with spices etc. in a pie crust and its the tastiest thing ever. The way that I always got it was with mashed potatoes on top. Damn it was good. I ended up eating 3pretty small pieces for dinner and some mac and cheese.

Finally after a long 3 days I got back to gym and had a good long workout. I asked Chess for some weights(I had given him some free weights last year) just 15 pounds to do some exercise at home. I really want to get back into gym and work on my legs and ass more.

Guess who made $60 on her first piece of art work sold? I made This. Obviously Im going to blow all my money on cigarettes and weed ;] not on food!

Thin Dreams <33

Much Better!

I wish I had a stomach like that >.<

Today was so much better then yesterday :] I barley ate today! And I finally got an internship for senior year! At my school we have to do a 45hr internship inorder to graduate. Im doing it with one of my friends moms whos an art teacher. Shes super nice so this will be super easy for me. So no more stressing over that!

No gym today :[ so no workout today. Ugh. I cant wait till tomorrow. My parents will both be out of the house for the first time in forever! I think tomorrow I might play wii fit until they come home, I could really use that extra exercise. I mean couldnt we all though? lol I need to work off those cookies. Im drinking a ton of water tonight in the hopes of peeing alot of weight off ;]

Today was pretty good so far.
1bottle Arizona Iced tea
1chicken sandwich
1/4cup mac and cheese
water

Thats it. compared to my binge weekend thats amazing!

Over the Lips and Through the Gums..

Watch out stomach, cause nothing comes ;]

Driving lesson today was alot of fun, I drove all around my county and even learned to parallel park! And you know what I didnt do the entire time? Eat. Havent eaten anything so far today. Although I did have a victory can of Arizona Green Tea for not crashing the car! Im not sure whats for dinner just yet. My mom went shopping today and got me lots of Iced Tea and Diet Pepsi.Except while she was out she also picked up a box of the most dreadful, vile, calorie filled, sugary things ever. She got me a box...of Girl Scout Somoas.  I already ate one. But thats my limit. One a day. The serving size is 2cookies at 140 calories. That means one is 70calories. So one a day is safe.

So whats weed like? hmmm...its hard to describe really....Its a little different for everyone...Physically, you calm down, eyelids are a little heavy, and you just want to sit there and enjoy the fun thats happening in your head. Your mind will wander to places you couldnt imagine, not bad places(usually) but fun, happy, places, where you figure out the meaning of life and yourself and you giggle the entire way through. Everything feels awesome. Everything sounds awesome. Everything tastes awesome. Everything is awesome. lol I love weed. Smoking dosent bother me, I dont plan on smoking cigarettes for the rest of my life. I think this is just a teenage thing. Hopefully weed isnt just a teenage thing for me though, its a real good thing.

Workout Motherfucker

Today. Today. Today was pretty damn good. Once again, cigarettes, weed, driving. It was so nice to drive around with my best friend, windows down, weather warm, cigarette lit. Nothing like it and I cant wait till the summer when I can do that everyday!

So I wasnt as sore today as I was yesterday, I actually felt pretty good. I had gym again today and I spent a good hour lifting weights. I worked on my abs and my legs. Ive spent my night so far working on my abs and total today Ive done easily 100situps. Im going to keep working out as soon as my parents go to sleep.I needed something to watch that both inspired and entertained me, so I turned on The Biggest Looser and started watching while I work out. If youve never watched go on over to Hulu and check it out. Its always fun to watch fat people

Its going to be really tough to fall asleep tonight cause I'm basically out of weed :/ But I'm hoping that if I don't smoke I wont get the munchies. I found out today I weigh 107.0Lbs I'm hoping some of that is water weight cause Ive just been chugging liquids all day.Vitamin water, Arizona Green Tea, Water, and homemade Iced tea. Unfortunately I had to eat dinner. 2 small sausages, small salad, and 1stuffed shell. I really wish I hadn't ruined my day that way.

is anyone else fucking scared about the earthquake/tsunami in Japan, not so much the actual tsunami but the nuclear power plant? It will be worse then Chernobyl.